More than a mango

I do love all the fruit comparisons the pregnancy websites give you as your baby grows. I cannot believe we have gone from an apple seed to a mango since March. I haven’t peeked ahead to see what the next fruit is, but last Wednesday I was 19 weeks pregnant which equals a mango.

Before you start feeling too bad for me, I am not writing twice in one day because I am terribly bored. Nope. Today is actually pretty exciting because it is Hammer’s birthday! And we are going out to celebrate tonight. I actually wrote my last blog over a week ago. I just had a few technical difficulties figuring out how to start a blog. Luckily, my little bro was only a phone call away to help. Vinny is so smart! I bet some of you doubters thought I would never get around to it, but here it is.

Now I can keep you updated on all the big happenings of my life. So here is the most important update: I felt my baby move! I have been waiting for this moment and over analyzing every gas bubble that comes my way for a long time. But on Thursday, July 8, I was sure what I felt was no gas bubble. It was a definite bump. I guess I missed all the “butterfly flutters” and “fish tails” that come before that. This was a kick or a head bump to my lower left side, right where my bowl of ice cream was sitting. Since Adam wanted to feel it too and our superior scientific brains deduced - cold makes the baby move - we spend the rest of the evening putting ice cream, ice water, and just plain ice on my stomach (I hope you don’t think I am cruel mom), but Adam was left hanging. He didn’t have to wait too long though. He got to feel a bump the next night.

Movement really makes pregnancy feel so much more real. For a while I kept wondering, “Am I still pregnant or just letting myself go?” It’s official. I am still pregnant. Some of my neighbors have even told me I’ve popped, which I believe is a good thing.

Last night little Ham must have known it was Adam’s birthday because right before midnight, the baby starting having a party in my uterus. I felt really strong bumps all over the place. Unfortunately, Adam was overnight at the hospital. I am hoping the little guy (or girl – but I keep having a feeling that it is a boy) will do it again tonight for Adam. It is his birthday after all. For now, I must part with you because my midafternoon snack of yellow rice and black beans is ready. It may be a boring craving, but I can’t tell you how much beans and rice has been hitting the spot for me since I have been pregnant.

To tell or not to tell

It is such a tricky thing being pregnant and looking for employment. It is hard enough being a brand new nurse in a brand new town with limited connections in a medically saturated community to begin with. Then you add the guilt of feeling like you are lying in your interview if you say nothing. Granted it is unnecessary guilt, but I am a people pleaser and I was really scared to piss off the largest employer of nurses in the Upper Valley. So several interviews in to the nursing position that I was really excited about, I told. I didn’t give it up right away. First, I allowed my interviewer to gush over my for almost an hour, with phrases like “We created this position for you” and “Originally, we were only going to hire one nurse for this residency position, but your first interviewer was so impressed with you” and “Our sister unit would probably love to get their hands on you, but they can’t have you” and “we’re not interviewing anyone else."

So I thought the deal was sealed. Of course, I can be honest with this woman – she’s in love with me! I trusted the sweet talker and opened my flappy lips. For a second there was the deer in headlights look and a flash of panic in her eyes (Crap!). But she recovered quickly and assured me that doesn’t discourager her at all. My interviewer proceeded to me how wonderful the daycare was and I should go sign up today.

Whew! That went better than I thought. Honesty is the best policy. I then went on to be interviewed by the staff and the director of all the critical care units. Three hours later (longest interview of my life!), I left with the instruction – “call me if you don’t hear from HR soon.” The director told me all she had left to do was check my references.

Does that mean I have the job?? I mean we didn’t shake on it (maybe that is a southern thing), but I have never had such an affirming interview in my life.

I waited. Two weeks passed and I called. Of course, the director is on vacation. I wait some more. Oh good she’s back. I call again and she says, without missing a beat “To be honest Casey, we are looking at people with a lot more experience than you.” Really?! I wonder if she knew you couldn’t have experience for the position I was applying for. It was for NEW nurses, one of the requirements being no experience. But I held my tongue. Maybe she was confused. I will call my new best friend (my first interviewer), the one who told me how in love she was with me. Turns out she doesn’t check or voicemail….or she’s avoiding me. I tried not to get discouraged. I wrote my references to tell them how my interview season was going and to see if they had been contacted. Nope –nothing! That’s weird. I called HR to see if they ended filling that position with someone else. If there was a candidate that was better fit than me that is fine. They should pick them. It would suck, but I would be fine. Then I learned the position was cancelled. The unit I applied to was only taking one new nurse this year.

I guess there could be a million reasons they closed the position, it just all seem fishy to me. I know, I know. I am a sensitive soul, but that whole situation was weird. And I am mad at them! And if I do get another interview in this town, which is not looking good because nobody wants a nurse with less than a year’s experience (or some good connections – of which I have none), I have decided – I won’t tell! And I won’t feel guilty.

On the bright side, maybe this all happened for a reason. Maybe the Lord is blessing me with more time to spend with my first baby. Balancing work and family is something I have prayed a lot about. And I do want to put my fam first. I do feel so blessed to be starting a family with Adam. I was just so excited to get my first nursing job and make friends and learn and work towards something (sigh). Plus, it doesn’t feel like I am a mom yet. Why do I have all this free time whenever I am lonely with no friends and no baby to take care of while the only other member of my family works 80 hours a week? It’s true there are tons of things I love to do, but all of sudden my creative drive feels stifled when my future is a big “?”

As you can see this taps into some of my identity issues, which is another topic entirely. After my brief break down of “I hate this place! Why did we move here?! I have no direction for my life! No body notices if I leave my house in this crappy town with more old people than Florida!” which my sweet husband patiently listened to, I have regained my perspective. This is a big adventure. I am excited. And I do believe the Lord loves me and knows me better than I know myself. Things don’t always look like what you expect and that is hard, but often times a very good thing. A life lesson I learn over and over again. So I am done whining - for the most part! I am committed to not rushing my life and being thankful for each season. We will see where that leads me.