Mean mommy

This picture wasn't taken today, but this face, along with ear piercing screams, have been happening more frequently at the bed time hour. I have been feeling like a total mean mommy. I started trying to put the little man to bed at a reasonable hour about three weeks ago. The first two nights were heart wrenching. I was in and out of our room (where his pack-n-play is) about every ten minutes for four hours! Every time I tried to tell him "you're okay" or "mommy is here" and sing to him, but as soon as I left-- hysteria! One time when I put my hand on his chest (because I was trying not to pick him up), he grabbed my finger and just shook it like he was pleading with everything he had for me to hold him. I cried, of course, and thought I can't take much more of this.

Then things turned around - a little fussing here and there, but many nights I was able to lay Liam down while he was still awake and he put himself to sleep. Not these last couple nights though. Nope. The man is fighting sleep and is crying longer and I am starting to get the feeling he is trying to hold out and get me to stay.

I am so torn! On the one hand, I have heard about attachment parenting (notice I said heard not read- I have been so behind on reading parenting books, so I always get other moms to give me the skinny on what they are reading, then I compile my parenting style from all the bits and pieces I like from their synopses) . It sounds so nice. You keep your baby close, meet their needs, answer their cries - basically let them know you will always be there and this allows them to be confident and strike out in independence. I believe this was the parenting style of Maggie Gyllenhaal in Away We Go - No strollers, no separation....and no something else. Maybe it's not that extreme but that is what I think of.

On the other hand, coercing my baby into a little independence now seems so appealing - more mommy time (I know it's a lame term - but I hang out with a lot of new moms and the lingo is slipping in) and maybe he won't be as weird as Wolfie. It is so hard to let your baby "cry it out." I don't feel strong enough to do that. And since Liam is so good a lot of the time with sleep, it makes me think something really is wrong when he starts to loose it. Or maybe he is "overtired," another mommy concept. Adam doesn't believe in it. I am on board 100%. It is real and sometimes it is the only logical explanation. All this talk about sleep training (or an attempt of it anyway) is probably an appropriate time for me to issue a public apology to my sister. So here it is:

Kelly, I am sorry for being so hard on you about how you dealt with Kat's sleeping habits. It is hard and okay to cry when your baby is losing it. You are a great mom! I am learning a lot from you!

There may be many more of these apologies as I realize how hard motherhood is - most of them will probably be to my mom and Kelly. I think we are always hardest on our fam.

Anyways, that was a lot of talk about sleep, but you talk about what you know... right? I would be a mostly mute these days if I couldn't talk about the mundane things of motherhood, but it is all new and exciting to me. The other thing moms talk about all the time is how cute their babies are - so I compiled a few pictures as evidence of his cuteness and that the opening picture wasn't a full representation of his personality (for those of you still debating on buying your plane ticket to Vermont).


Liam is hanging out on the baby blanket I made him here. I don't know why, but I think he looks like a football player here.


This is his male model head shot. We were trying to do tummy time, but he is not a fan. Yet another area where I have to be mean mommy - You can't have a floppy neck all your life Li Li.


A selection from the photo shoot Aunt Sarah did with Li. He makes this face a lot when he is excited - right before he smiles.


Ahhh and a smile. Most of my day is spent trying to get these from him.


Very casual and la la la about being out to breakfast with his parents and godparents. This was my first time at Lou's, where I finally ate their famous french toast that I dreamt about the day of Li Li's birth.


Liam and Sophie, his French giraffe, who is apparently a bit of a hussy. I think everyone has her.


Another pic from Aunt Sarah's photo shoot. I am not sure if that is the beginning or end of a smile, but it is cute.


One of Li's last baths in the bathroom sink. He finally outgrew it. We have graduated him to the kitchen sink as of Saturday.

I think I have mentioned how hard it is having Adam around so little during his hard rotations, but we still make it a point to have as much fun as we can. We try to enjoy every minute (and slow the clock down as much as possible). Having Michelle and Ryan so close makes it feel like we do have family up here and we do get to spend a lot of our free time with them. It just so happened that Ryan had off the same weekend of Adam's golden weekend (the term "golden" makes the one weekend a month you have free sound like more of a gift than the real robbery of your three/four other weekends that are stolen from you that month) - so we went on a little Maine excursion. It was mine and Liam's first time - we loved it! We hung out, chatted, shopped in Freeport (factory outlet heaven!), went snow shoeing and guzzled milk (because the snowshoeing was on a dairy farm and that is what you are supposed to do after cardio activities right?).


The men


The women and children


The classic ski picture I never got take, because my Floridian family never braved the cold growing up. I know we are a decade or so behind, but is never to late to make that mouse pad you've always wanted.


And the milk - coffee, banana, and blueberry. I gave myself a stomach ache. Nothing like physical activity and then a ton of milk to make you feel alive.

On top of our golden weekend, it has also been wonderful to have so many visitors to break up the loneliness and give me something to look forward too. Overall, my mental health is pretty dang good for a Florida girl experiencing her first winter in Vermont (lack of daylight and sun on my skin is the hardest) and for an extrovert who has recently been spending the majority of her time alone. I am handling everything better than I thought, but it is still such a huge blessing to have people you love come stay with you. It totally recharges me (I told you - I am an extrovert).


Sarah working her magic with Liam. He was growing or "overtired" or something when she was here because he was his grumpiest, but Aunt Sarah still loved him and got several cute moments with him.


Care just left on Saturday and I miss her already. Here we just look like your typical Vermont family about to hike down the Quechee Gorge.

Other fun things we have been up to:


Loving every minute of Adam's time at home. When dad is here, the boys enjoy doing man things together - like cuddling, tickling, and talking in high voices.

The darkness is not our favorite, but the snow is and when we have any free time... we bundle up and we play.


Liam won't know what to do when he experiences summer. He'll be sweating bullets. For those of you who have seen it in greener weather, it is probably hard to believe below is the cabin up the hill from us - our favorite back yard hike. We still hike it pretty frequently, but it is not my main source of exercise anymore. It can be pretty treacherous after a big snow, especially if you don't have snow shoes. As of two weeks ago, my main source of physical activity is P90X. It is so hard, but I am hanging in there. And no - I will not being posting my before pics on the blog.




Another awesome snow activity we love is sledding. We just discovered this sledding hill at Occum pond. Jamie was trying to rip Adam off his sled the whole way down. Don't worry, Liam was safe and sound. Care was holding him.

So as you can see the weather is not keeping us completely home bound. But we definitely don't get out as much as we did when we were in a warmer climate. Adam and I don't want to wish our life away, but man, our Florida vacation is on our mind a lot. I can't wait to feel the sun kiss my skin again! We have a little beach fever:)



That is all from the land of ice and snow for now. Remember if you are looking for a winter get away - think Vermont. There are cheap rooms at The Hammond Hostel.

Life is a Pajama Party

I can't believe I have been a mom for eleven weeks. I no longer feel like I am just wading through the chaos leaving a path of destruction in my wake. Needless to say, since I have been in survival mode, blogging has been pretty low on the priority list - but I miss it and I have been wanting to share what life is like with Liam (in hopes that you will see how cute and wonderful he is and you will book a flight to Vermont immediately to come visit).

I have found breastfeeding/lack of sleep brain is a thousand times worse than pregnancy brain so I will ease into this - short and sweet. I think I am just at a point now where I can construct appropriate sentences. Since Thanksgiving, life has been a pajama party. We have been doing a lot of hanging out at home, napping, cuddling, and staring. This kind of life style does weird things to time, so I feel like I have been in a time warp for the last three months.



Here you can see Adam is cuddling, while enjoying an adult beverage, and reviewing our hospital take home material.


The staring part of the day



The glorious nap. Liam can out nap Adam -hard to believe.


Ahh and the crying- luckily this is not what Liam spends most of his time doing. I still think he is cute when he cries - sometimes it makes me want to pull my hair out, but he is still cute. And here are a few of the firsts I have tried to keep up with documenting...



Liam's first Christmas tree! And it was Adam's first time cutting one down.


Thanksgiving 2010 - our first holiday together. You will notice this is one of the few pictures I am in because, of course, as soon as I bring my son home from the hospital, I get the most heinous fever blister of my life on my face (not so fun for pictures). It looked like I had a beak. So I did a lot of the picture taking, but we had to get one family photo of our first holiday together.


First bath at home. He loved it in the hospital but hated it at home. We don't have the same touch the nurse did. It could also be that we are too cheap to properly heat our house and the poor boy was freezing (the bath was also luke warm because we were afraid to scald our baby, but if he has my genes that is probably how he likes his baths).


Still pissed!


Addiction. We waited until he was three weeks old to give him his first pacifier and as soon as we did, Liam used what poor motor control he had to try and hold the thing in. He is a very oral boy. I think that thing is the love of his life.


First bottle. Kat was at mine or Adam's side for everything involving Liam the whole time she was here. She's a great cousin!

Several important introductions have been made over the last 11 weeks, but here are just a few.


Liam and his pup


Liam and his cuz cuz



This is Liam and his future BFF and neighbor Matty, who is 9 days younger than him. Soon they will climbing trees and getting in snowball fights together, but for now they do a lot of parallel sleeping.

Other than that I have learned that motherhood is tough but I love it. I cry at the drop of hat, especially with any song that deals with growing up - I can't listen to the Circle Game or Puff the Magic Dragon. I have come to terms with the fact that I am lame:). Stories about people being mean to children and the thought about going back to work also make me tear up. I talk about poop and sleep a lot. I think I am still capable of talking about other things, but I am not sure. I have learned that fragmented sleep makes you feel like you are drunk a lot of the time. Who needs wine when you get that loopy feeling just by getting up several times a night? Getting out of the house is an event in and of itself - especially when you add snow in the mix! I have made a lot of new mom friends thanks the DHMC Women's Health Resource Center. They have all kinds of classes and a "4th trimester"/new mom hang out - which is my favorite part of my week - other than when my hubby is home and not sleeping. Since the beginning of December Adam's intern year has felt as bad as the reputation. Of course, before Li Li was born, his schedule was working out in our favor, but since then it has been really brutal. I am really thankful we have had so many visitors to keep me company. We had family here for the first six weeks of Liam's life! Sarah came to my aid mid January, just when I was tuckered out from doing the whole mom thing on my own for two weeks. And of course the BosNalls check in on us frequently. And I should probably get to bed soon because I am driving to Boston tomorrow to pick up Caroline. I am so thankful that even though we are 1,300 miles away, so many people we love have made the trip to come see us. I can't help but be greedy and hope for more though. Adam and I have been missing Florida hard - and not just the weather....we miss our friends and family!

Now that I am emerging from my postpartum coma, I plan on blogging much more frequently. Thanks for not giving up on me! Maybe I will put some video on of Liam smiling soon. It is so cute. It will make your heart melt. Much love to all of you from winter wonderland.

Then there were three

Well you might have heard, either the through the grapevine or our haphazard phone tree, that mine and Adam's little Hamlet came early - about 2 1/2 weeks early to be exact. We had an ultrasound on November 15th that confirmed that our baby was frank breech. My midwife new how much I wanted Hamlet to flip so I could have a vaginal delivery. So after moxibustion, yoga, laying inverted three times a day for 15 minutes (with music and or light at the pelvic opening:), and, of course, bringing back our old friend ice - Hamlet decided to hold his ground. We had no other choice than to schedule an external version. We set the date for Saturday, November 20th, because the chief of OB would be in on that day, and she would really man handle me (both a good and a bad thing - I knew it was going to hurt....totally worth it to avoid surgery though).

Moxibustion = FAIL

Lying upside down = FAIL

Through some calculation derived all on his own, Adam determined that we had a less than 1% chance of needing an emergency C-section with this procedure. It was guided by ultrasound and if they perceived any danger they probably would just not even try to flip Hamlet. I did end up kicking it into gear after my last blog and got almost everything done I had planned for the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy, when work was supposed to slow down for me. Adam and I installed the car seat, packed our hospital bag, made my belly cast, did laundry, cleaned the house, assembled several baby items, got all the junk out of the babies room, and we squeezed in a little romantic date night too:) We did, however, miss opening night of HP7, which Adam will forever be sad about.

Saturday morning I woke up dreaming of the most amazing french toast ever. I do like the stuff but I usually don't crave it. I think knowing I was not supposed to eat breakfast made me have vivid food dreams. I had planned on waking up at 7:00 a.m. and doing my prenatal yoga to relax and ready my body for the flip. But when my alarm went off, I thought there is a less than 1% chance that this is my last morning to sleep in.....ever (according to all moms). So I snoozed. Then I woke up and got cute, since Adam told me we could go out to brunch after the version... a little french toast treat after my fast. And that man is so sweet, he didn't even eat breakfast either. I did take the term "fast" kind of loosely. I had a glass of milk, some green tea, and a lot of water, but no solids - except for a few pieces of Halloween candy. I wake up hungry, so I am glad I had something to look forward to, to keep me going.

We piddled a bit, listened to Jack Johnson, and packed the car. Then Adam clipped my toe nails after some reminding that we could have a baby today and I would never get that prenatal home pedicure he promised, so the least he could do was help a sister out with her velociraptor nails. Having any amount of white on my finger or toe nails drives me crazy. So not being able to cut my own toe nails for so long made me fixated on them. Once we took care of business we headed out to the hospital. The whole way we were daydreaming about how crazy it would be if the unlikely (less the 1 % chance) event did take place today. We snapped some "first false alarm" pictures when we got to the parking lot (little did we know:) and then headed up to the birthing pavilion. I got several compliments on how cute my baby bump was....and yes they may have just been cheap words from women who see pregnant bellies all the time...but I soaked it in.



We got taken back in to birthing suite 12 right around 10:00 a.m. This seemed promising since that is when my appointment was scheduled for. Brunch was right around the corner, I could almost taste it! The nurse had me change into a hospital gown and get hooked up to the fetal monitors to make sure Hamlet was doing well (and he was). I was already ravenous, but I just had to make it through 20 minutes of monitoring and 5 minutes of pushing, then I would be home free. We wondered about whether or not the version would work, or if we would be back in this same birthing suite when we had our baby. We wondered if all the rooms were blue or just ours and if that meant we were having a boy (Adam still thought boy, but I was becoming more convinced Hamlet was a girl). We wondered if Hamlet would flip on his own or if it would be snowing when I went into labor. After about two hours, we began to wonder if they forgot about us or if we would have time to get breakfast for dinner before we had to be at Young Life Club. I started to watch cooking shows, you know.... to get my mind off eating. And Adam went down to the car to get my computer to try and watch the Gators v. Appalachian State online. We also checked on HP7 IMAX tickets for Sunday online, but we decided to wait to order them, just in case.


Our nurse came in the room around 12:30 p.m. and said she had good and bad news. Oh no. She found out that one of the breakfast places that has the best french toast in town serves breakfast all day (she knew about my dream) = good. But the chief of OB and all the residents just left the floor to go do rounds in another part of the hospital = bad. Does an appointment mean nothing to you people?

So we entertained ourselves some more. Then our dear friend Liza came in. She was one of the OB residents sent in to do my ultrasound and check on the babies position. The position of the baby, cord, and placenta were all fine for the version but she looked concerned. Then she asked me how much amniotic fluid I had at my ultrasound on Monday. I told her I had about 12 cm (the lower end of the normal range). Her follow-up question was if my water had broke since Monday.....ummmm....no, not that I noticed. She then told Adam and I that there was only 2 cm of amniotic fluid surrounding Hamlet, which is almost nothing. Liza explained how the baby might not be lubricated enough for the version, but she would check. Next came the kicker. Liza said she would "check with the chief and if we can flip the baby, we will, and then induce, and if not we will prep you for a C-section, but either way your having this baby today."

Blank stare, disbelief, panic, a little crying. I think that was the sequence of things. Liza came back and told us the version was a no-go and I needed to be ready for a C-section in 20 minutes. She was very kind to me though, with how she broke the news. I felt like she really cared that this was not what I wanted. At that point, I knew this was what was best for our baby and I was really thankful that we had options to give Hamlet the healthiest birth possible. I got past the C-section and started to try and wrap my brain around the fact that I would be holding my baby in about one hour!



Adam and I started calling and texting as many people as we could. Michelle hopped in a car from Boston, the grandparents started looking for flights, and all of our wonderful friends started leaving us messages of love and well wishes. People were popping in and out of my room. I got stuck for an IV three times and then had some extra labs drawn because they were "concerned" about my bleeding times from all my botched IV sites (kinda scary when you are going in for major abdominal surgery - but I was fine). Then Adam donned his full body suit, with extra face covering for his man hair. And I was crowned with hair net and hospital socks. The team was ready to rush us out the door. In the midst of the frenzy, Adam and I asked for one more minute alone just to pray together and for him to hug me, so we could slow time down just a little bit. My head felt clear and everything started to feel super dream-like and surreal (very similar to being on the other side of the church doors and seeing my soon to be husband through the crack). I took deep slow breaths and as many mental snap shots as I could.

My processional led me past the nurses station and to the cold, very medical feeling OR, where I had to leave Adam at the door. The first thing I noticed was the ceiling - boring, white, and typical, but I thought this is what I will be looking at when I hear my babies cry for the first time. I warned the whole team I might get emotional and they assured me that was totally allowed. I then drummed up all my romantic mental imagery of me holding my baby (looking beautiful) and Adam hugging me and telling me what an amazingly strong woman I am. I was supposed to use these mental pictures to get me through labor, but I used them for my spinal tap. It worked. I got through it (all 10 or so tries). I am all about trying to be a tough cookie and letting the students/residents try without getting testy, because you gotta learn. I then went numb up to my nipples, which was strange and scary. My chest felt like a weight when I tried to laugh or take a deep breath and I kept squeezing Adam's hand to make sure I wasn't too weak up top. Adam assured me I was squeezing with adequate strength.

My sweet husband, who was supposed to open up his "love line" that we learned about in the Bradley method - where you talk sweetly and romantically to your partner, verbalizing everything you love about them- all the stuff that makes you fall in love and want to make babies with a person, could only say "Case, How you doing? You okay? How you feeling?" But I could see in his eyes how much he loved and cared for me:) And we were both pretty nervous. This wasn't an "emergency C-section" but we knew they worried about our baby and wanted to get him out as quick as possible. And Adam could probably tell I was about to blow chunks at any moment, not to mention, I think I was hyperventilating because breathing felt so weird. I was trying not to think about any of that and just get lost in my lover's eyes. I was also trying to block out the tugging and shaking of my body down below and the subtle smell of burnt flesh, that I knew was my own.

Then there was a lot of commotion and they told Adam to look over the sheet and I heard my babies first cry, right as Adam said "it's a boy." I can't even describe what I felt, but I was overcome with emotion. I was crying but I just felt such joy. Then Adam started to ask me if he could go be with our baby, but I cut him off and told him to go! I knew that they were pretty worried about my blood pressure, talking calmly but urgently, and giving me some bp meds under my tongue and I knew my baby boy looked like a blueberry. I was still conscious though, and he was crying, so I just laid there and listened to him and felt so thankful. After about 10 minutes of laying there listening to all the goings on and the play-by-play from the anesthesiologist who was still sitting by my head, he maneuvered the curtain slightly for me and I saw a little blue foot sticking straight up across the room. That was the first I saw of my son and I was so in love with that little blue foot! Finally, Adam brought him over to me and I kissed him and looked at his cute pouty lips. They let me hold him on the OR table, but I was really nervous because my arms were still very tingly and a little numb - so Adam spotted me. I felt much better after they slid my dead weight body back into my bed and laid my little naked baby right on my bare chest (where my tingly arms couldn't drop him). He had a full head of hair, and bruises on his tummy from kneeing himself while in his breech position, and the softest skin ever. I was madly in love.










We stayed like that for the next five or six hours. We had a welcome wagon of ladies in our room when we returned. My two closest friends from church, Megan and Penny, were there bearing gifts and a video camera. And my personal cheerleader in life, Michelle, had just arrived too. Perfect timing! They fussed over me and all told me my blue, swollen baby was cute - good friends:) Then my hospital dinner came and I ate all of it, while Michelle was out getting french toast from the restaurant Adam and I had been planning to go to all day. My nurse reminded me to take things slow, and I assured her I was. I started on the french toast as soon as Meech got back (I only dripped a little bit of syrup on my baby). By then the little Hamlet was ready to try breastfeeding. He was working to hard at breathing until then to give it a go. He latched on and went to town. Luckily, I got Adam's attention just in time for him to grab the baby, while Michelle handed me a basin, which I promptly vomited all of my dinner and french toast into (I guess I wasn't taking it slow enough). I think that was the easiest yuking experience of my life though - less than a minute of nausea, it came up quick, and I felt instantly back to normal- that never happens for me. So I ate some more french toast and tried to breast feed again. The same sequence of events occurred. Again the newborn, who we were still calling Hamlet, was not harmed by any vile stomach contents.



The third breastfeeding attempt was successful and all the nurses and lactation consultants who came in from then on couldn't get over what a breastfeeding champ my lil' man was. We proceeded to test out a bunch of different names out on our boy, but the name we had picked out from the beginning was the one that stuck, but Adam and I both had problems committing to something so permanent. Both of our moms confessed they were glad Boaz was not the one to stick. On his third day of life we made it official and named him William Grayson Hammond, but we call him Liam.



The last three weeks have felt like three or four long days. The lack of sleep gets less romantic as the days go on, but our boy has given us several good nights too. I think overall he is an easy baby. But even with an easy one, I am surprised at how inefficient I have become. Don't get me wrong. I am glad my main job right now is to cuddle with, stare at and care for my newborn - but I would think I could accomplish one thirty minute task a day that I set for myself, but no. I really feel like I can't get anything else done. I think my friend Lins was right when she told me if you don't finish something before the baby comes, you won't finish it. For instance this blog took me eight days to crank out! Oh well. I am doing my best to soak in my boys first month of life and trying not too think about him growing up yet (which keeps popping into my mind and makes me burst into tears). When Adam can tell I am on the brink of crying, he will start singing some song about a child growing up to fast like "Puff the magic dragon" or the "Circle Game." Then I loose it and cry so hard, that I start to laugh. At first I thought he was insanely cruel, but actually, I think he knows what he is doing. It's like an emotional release for me and after it's over I feel normal again.



Other than that, please forgive me if I haven't called you, returned your calls, or if I don't give you a Christmas present. I promise I have good intentions. I am just in the mom haze. I love you all and I can't wait for you to meet little Lili:)